j is for... just breathe

Just breathe.

Letter to myself, this morning:

Just get through today. You don't have to be happy and outgoing all day, just for a few minutes. You don't have to be all business-casual all day, just for the interview. After that, you don't have to tell anyone anything, if you don't want to. You can stay home. You can paint. You can relax. You can read. You can wear your comfy jeans with the holes in them. Just breathe.

~

Yes, I have my comfy jeans on now.

I had an interview today. It was step 2 in my application for a scholarship. I feel like it went well, by the way. They seemed excited. I'll know by Monday.

This morning, I woke up well. I got to talk to Archer for a little while, and I got some good sleep last night. But then I spent an hour or so cleaning my carpet because my poor dogs had diarrhea last night. (On the bright side, I figured out what was making them sick - the new food I just bought for them.) And then... I don't know. I actually felt like I accomplished something after I finished cleaning up - which was a good feeling - but I was just down. It's more than just feeling sorry for my dogs.

It's almost as though I felt good when I first got up because I wasn't fully awake yet; once my mind started to wake up and I became aware, my mood sank.

It was all I could do today to get showered, get enough to eat (I wasn't hungry), and get myself ready for the interview. Then I expended my entire day's worth of sociability in one 20 minute interview.

I put on my interrogator face.* The one where I shut out all my self-doubts, all awareness of my actual mood, and paint myself with a veneer of whatever mood will best suit my purposes. In this case, it was cheerful exuberance.

And now I'm done. Done for the day. Back in my comfy clothes.

~

*My previous occupation: Interrogator, US Army; a lifetime ago.

~

These are the days I could spend entirely in meditation. Or painting. Today, I have contemplated ...nothing. Not nothing, but... hm... I felt like my subconscious was in overdrive, while my conscious mind was numb and nearly blank. I just... breathe.

I don't really know what to do with these days, but it feels like a great time for divination.


I use a Druid Animal Oracle Deck, mostly. I have runes too, which I love, but lately I've been drawn more toward the cards.

I drew one card: the Bull, reversed... indicative of a lack of motivation.

Huh. Well, there ya have it.

The power of my cards to state the obvious is astounding.

Is there a deity of "duh"?


Update:
It's now much later in the evening. I decided to do another drawing, and it seemed worth updating the post to include it. This time I drew three cards:

Earth Dragon, reversed
Adder, reversed
Ram, reversed

Ok, first of all, I have never drawn the Earth Dragon before, nor have I ever drawn all three cards reversed. I've been using this deck consistently since ...2006? Or so. Anyway, a long damn time to have never drawn something before. And today, it comes up reversed. With two other reversed cards.

(Incidently, I love my deck. It's so blunt.)

Here's my take on this:

The Earth Dragon guards treasure; that treasure is our potential, our talents, maybe even our souls. And, the Earth Dragon is an aspect of our selves. So reversed, I consider this an indication that I'm not protecting myself - my soul - in a way that promotes my well-being. Now, in general, that could mean either that I was being too protective, or that I'm not being protective enough. I know: I'm laid bare, and vulnerable. As the first card in the draw, this represents the cause of my current state.

The Adder indicates healing through transformation; the Adder is symbolic of our spiritual energy. Reversed, it means I'm doing it wrong. The Adder is both poisonous and transformative; it is life, via death. Ah... sound familiar? I've been talking a lot about Hela lately. I am half-rotted, and parts of my soul have died, but I'm on a path of self-healing, and transformation. I'm becoming the person I always was, but never allowed myself to be. I've taken some steps, but have many more to go. Today, I think the Adder is telling me that I have allowed my depression to poison me, halting my progress. As the second card in the draw, this represents the emotional aspect of my current state.

The Ram, to me, means Home. But the Ram also tells a story of coming home through adversity, and of persevering despite obstacles. Reversed: I've allowed myself to stagnate. I stopped fighting, stopped working my way back home. As the third card in the draw, this represents the 'reality' of my current state.

As I said: this deck is quite blunt. No silk gloves on this one.

I thanked my cards, and put them away.
Tonight, my first step is to just breathe.
Today was a step backward;
tomorrow will be a step forward.
Just breathe, and put one foot in front of the other.