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16 February 2015

promises

I broke a promise to myself.
When I knew your life began,
Never had I believed.
I could make it right. 
We started out hard
with my broken promises cracking under our feet.

Your tiny infant feet.
My never-a-mother feet.

I made a promise to you.
When I knew your life began,
That though I couldn't believe,
I would make it right. 
Every joyful jump you made
left my broken promises crushed under your feet.

I can't keep up.
You wait for me.

I hope I make it right.


~~~

"There's this fallacy in my head that I think, if I sacrifice enough, if I hurt myself enough, exhaust myself enough, have enough courage, I can do anything I'm supposed to be doing. That's what led to me being desperate enough to hurt myself repeatedly to get myself into an adrenaline-fueled state that only comes with physical danger, and then burning out so hard I landed in the hospital. I keep thinking that I'm just too lazy and that it's my fault; any grown woman as smart as I am should be able to remember to go to class. I've done it before; why can't I keep doing it? All those ideas come from when my mom pushed the "record" button in my brain, and they keep re-playing. Every success, in the back of my mind, implies that I could've done it all along, and so every success is a proof of laziness." - http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com/138502.html

That is the result of growing up with an unacknowledged mental, emotional, or developmental disability, and it is devastating.

That post I quoted and linked above is a long read, about a situation that is different from either mine or my child's, but it makes a point that is important to both of us: it's okay to be labelled with a disability if you do have that disability. My child does have ADHD, and having the label has made it possible for him to get the help he needs. I do have Major Depressive Disorder, and that label has gotten me the help I need, too. In my case, it has made it possible for me to help myself. I hope that someday it helps him that way, too. Acknowledgement and acceptance of the problem really is the most important step.

~~~

Inspired by life with my child, the author of chaoticidealism, life with myself, and the imaginary garden with real toads, where I've posted a link to this entry. Because promises are about love.

3 comments:

  1. Hey Katy--this is a very heartfelt and moving poem--so honest--and the imagery of the promises between the feet and the feet moving on works well. Thanks so much for participating with such a poignant poem. K. (Http://manicddaily.wordpress.com)

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  2. My never-a-mother feet.
    I hope I make it right..... those lines really jump out at me. The hardest job in the world is being a mother. You worry constantly if you are doing it right, if you are messing them up for life, wondering if your own imperfections will mar them... my kids are grown now - terrific people who yet love me and show me grace. Lovely poem.

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  3. Honesty and Love do shine through here and thank you for the followup explanation. No one is a perfect child or parent. But facing your disability will make a huge difference in both your lives - well penned here!

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