Samhain reading for the new year

I did this reading on Samhain. Yeah, my schedule's been a bit full. 

Who will guide my home?

The Dog is a guide and a friend, and focuses on the values you hold most sacred.
The Crane is a guide, too, that aids us in transitions and reminds us to be patient.
The Hawk brings perspective and shows us our roots - this will be difficult.

My home is my most sacred space; it is my sanctuary, and my primary source of solace. My recent move into a new home in late August this year feels incomplete - I'm still working on the remnants of the move. Those final boxes have yet to be unpacked, and the blessing of the house has yet to happen. Patience is key, I'm sure. Archer and I moved in together during this move, and the challenges brought up by our sometimes opposing perspectives have been, well, challenging. We'll get through it, but it ain't easy.

Who will guide my son?

The Cow is a strong mother, providing all the nurturing we need.
The Ram brings us home, through persistence and willfulness.
The Stag gives us pride and graceful strength, even under pressure.

I'm taking the Cow as a reminder of my importance to my son. It's not an easy thing for me to remember. Motherhood is something I avoided rather than sought out, and I while I hate the position it puts me in, there's nothing so vital as doing right by him. I'm his guide, and I'll do the best I can. The Ram tells me that his willfulness (which is legendary in our house) should be guided, not stifled. I'm working on that. The Stag gives me hope that he and I will get this figured out for the best.

Who will guide me?

The Adder is a guide through darkness, a healer through death.

The Cat binds the spirit to the body and works toward wholeness - this will be difficult.

The Ram gives the strength to break through barriers while retaining stability.

'A guide through darkness' can only refer to my path through Major Depressive Disorder. It has been particularly bad in recent months. One of my biggest challenges with this has been feelings of alienation from my loved ones and from my own body. My son has been the biggest help in that; his existence pulls me back, because he needs me. He guides me back, every time. ...I wonder if the Ram is one of his totems? 

What will happen in the coming year?

A shift of perspective (Hawk) can bring an ending (Raven) to something emotional; this will be a valuable lesson that will affect motherhood (Cow).
Look clearly, and reevaluate your situation (Fox); you will spend time alone, but your inner strength will guide you (Wolf); do not allow your spirit to neglect your physical needs (Cat).
Pay attention to your spiritual path (Blackbird); someone will remind you to play (Otter) - let them show you, don't be stubborn (Bull).
The hardships you face will become the stepping stones you need (Owl).

Hmmm. 

a is for apes... in oracles

A while back I had an idea to create an oracle or tarot deck full of primates. This post is venture number one into that endeavor. It also conveniently features the letter A, thus fitting neatly into the Pagan Blog Project schedule. Win!

I'll start with apes.

But... there are some big differences between the different apes, you say?
Indeed. Don't worry, I'm all over it.

I'm debating whether or not to include humans when I actually make the cards. For now, I'm toying with that idea and trying to develop it a little more fully. Until then, let's discuss the ape family and some of its other members.

The scientific name of the family of apes is Hominidae, by the way. Little bit of trivia for ya. It includes all the "great apes" and humans, with orangutans in one subfamily and the rest of us - gorillas, chimps, and humans - in the other. Chimps and humans are even in the same tribe; the gorillas have their own tribe.

Did I say trivia? Well, it might be meaningful to this post after all. Let's see.

Oh, and in case you're wondering how I'm going to do cards for all 500+ species of primates, or how I'm going to group them without glossing over essential character differences in species, this post will be a great example of that. See, there aren't that many ape species, but some of them would be repetitious. Take gorillas and chimps, for example... well, hang on. Hold that thought.

Ok, so there are two recognized species of gorillas: eastern gorillas, which live in the lowlands of central Africa, and western gorillas, which live in the mountainous rainforests of central Africa. There are more similarities than differences in these species. They weren't even separated into two species until relatively recently. So, gorillas will be one card; the lessons each species has to teach is inclusive of both.

Chimps, on the other hand... there are two species of chimps, too, but these two species are vastly different in their behavior and ecologic solutions, thus they have very different lessons for us. Each species will have its own card.

Make sense? That's how I'm going to do this - one family/tribe/genus/species at a time.

~

Apes do have some common themes. Perhaps the group of them could almost be considered a sort of 'suit' - much like the suits of a playing card deck or a standard tarot - only there won't be enough apes to make a full suit. Regardless, the common themes of apes should be known and recognized in the deck I'm building.

So, without further ado, here they are: the themes you've been waiting for (or at least, the themes I've been waiting for)...

Apes are the thinkers of the primates; they use tools and seem capable of learning language (personally, I would argue that the great apes do, in fact, use language - maybe better than some humans I know - but that's a hotly debated topic). They have complicated social systems and emotions. They hunt, make war, practice altruism, heal each other, they experience joy and grief. They are the thinkers, and the feelers; great apes are the nearest of our kin. Though each species of ape has a different story to tell, a different lesson to teach, it's likely that the lesson will be related somehow to those truths. Their theme is social cognition: how do we think about our interactions? How do we act on our feelings? How do we process emotions and empathy?

~

Next time, I'll talk specifics: Bonobos.

Working with Woden

hmm, yes, so... I've been busy, the past few days. Catching up on my life.
The new meds are working... Is this what "normal" feels like?

~

I'll tell you a story, the most important one of the last few days.

It's about Odin.
Actually, it's about how I came to Odin.

I had decided to do some Work.
And by Work, I mean a spell, but I don't like the word "spell" because there are too many connotations which make the word inaccurate for what I'm trying to communicate. This has nothing to do with me demanding anything from the universe, or trying to mold it to my will, or blue fire coming from... wherever. This is about me asking the assistance of the Energies around me. It's more like a prayer, but less passive.

I came to the idea for this work when I was faced with a loved one's problem to which I could see no way of helping directly. I asked my oracle cards - and was inspired to use them in a Working, to ask them to guide this person and help resolve the situation. So I got permission from the person to do this, and then figured out the details of how.

Six animals from my deck immediately jumped out at me as being the  right ones for this task. Then, as I puzzled over how I would conduct the ritual, I realized I wanted to ask one of my deities for help with this, too. I don't usually do a ton of deity work outside of my own internal pathworking, but it felt right. Since the two deities I have worked with most over the past couple years are Sretya and Hela, I thought of them first.

I dismissed the idea of asking Hela pretty quickly. I didn't want her deciding that this person was better off by shedding the source of the problem rather than working through it - that would have caused far more hardship; her help can sometimes be more brutal than what I was hoping to achieve.

Sretya was a logical choice, with her talent for finding the happy side of fate, but... she felt very distant, as I mulled the question around in my mind. So I thought some more. Was it wise to ask a goddess for help when she felt like she didn't want to be involved?

I don't remember where the inspiration came from, exactly, but somehow Odin came to mind.

Now, it's important to know that I've really never worked with Odin. Sure he was called on in some of the rituals I participated in when I was involved with a military open circle that leaned heavily toward Heathenism, but a) that was in 2008, and b) those rituals were holiday celebrations, not "working" rituals. As any pagan who has hung around for a year or two, and especially as one who has made even a cursory study of the runes, I'm familiar with Odin's story. But I'm using "familiar" as the military does: I would recognize it from 50 meters, but don't ask me any nitty-gritty details. So when it occurred to me to work with Odin on this, I was confronted with a couple more questions that had to be answered before I did anything else.

1. Is it rude/inappropriate/somehow-not-good to ask a god for help the very first time you work with them?
My instinct said Yes.

2. I was planning on working with my oracle cards, and I felt they were essential to this Work; would Odin, who gave us runes, be offended by the use of a different system in a ritual requesting his aid?
That worried me.

So I researched, and read blogs (Galina Krasskova's blog, Gangleri's Grove, was particularly helpful, especially since she just began a series focusing on Odin, and she knows her stuff). In the end, it was (divine?) inspiration that provided the answer. I realized, in a "dug" moment, that I should ask Odin via the runes. So I did.

I picked up my rune bag, which has been relatively ignored for too long, and asked, "What will result, if I ask for your [Odin's] help with this Working [which includes my oracle cards and would be our first together]. Then I reached into the bag and blindly pulled out Ehwaz.

Image from this site:
http://www.mysticgames.com/runes/Ehwaz.htm.
The image was the best part of the site.

I recalled that Ehwaz was something about togetherness... I found and opened my copy of Taking Up the Runes (by Diana L. Paxson; it's my go-to book for runes). Opened it with the intent to flip through until I found Ehwas... no need to flip: it opened to that page.

This is what I read:

"Meaning: Horse... Horses are also associated with Odin... Thorrson explains the meaning of Ehwaz as symbiosis between partners - man/horse, man/woman, for example - or opposites working together harmoniously toward a single goal." (page 196-197) Further reading confirmed my initial impression: this was as strong an affirmative as I could have hoped for.

It all felt right, except, I felt like I needed an offering for Odin. I was out of mead. I eyeballed my bottle of sangria, and dismissed it. I sniffed my already-open, half-full bottle of shiraz, and... it smelled like mead. Well then. That worked. For reasons I couldn't possible explain, because I don't understand it myself, I chose the best apple from the bunch I had bought a day or two prior (I'm planning on making pie) to add to the offering. I put the apple in the bottom of a larger clay cup, and poured the shiraz over it, until the apple was covered. It finished off the bottle. It felt right. The ritual went smoothly, and I felt like I had done all I could to help the person I was trying to help.

I also felt obligated to Odin, in a good way. He stepped in to help me in a time of need - I owe it to him to learn the runes and his stories better, and to include him in my practice. Each evening since that ritual, I've felt the urge to do something for Odin. The first evening, I flipped open Taking Up the Runes, randomly landing on page 134, where Eihwaz begins. Eihwaz, the yew tree, is sacred to Odin and represents the Worldtree Yggdrasil, where Odin hung to learn the runes. I'm not sure why I was surprised at the synchronicity. I began my studies there.

This is from the same website as the first.

Today, I learned that there is indeed a connection between Odin and apples. It wasn't just my own UPG.

time out

I took this weekend off from the world.

Saturday's plan to go to the flea market and the farmer's market got cancelled. I just couldn't do it. I didn't sleep Friday night. I was exhausted Saturday morning - but still unable to sleep - and I worried about the safety of driving.

Maybe I could have slept, I don't know. Every time I laid my head on my pillow, the tears came. It was too painful to let my mind wander. So I distracted it with books and games. And before I knew how late it was, the sun was rising.

My new meds came in the mail Saturday morning. I checked my mail, because I promised Archer I would. I took a dose, then took a nap.

Today is day three of the new meds. It seems to be helping. I got to sleep before 1am Saturday night, and before midnight last night. That's a huge improvement. I've been getting to sleep around 4-5am for the past several weeks. Except for the nights I stay with Archer - then I get to sleep by 11pm, usually - but those are too few and far between.

Enough of that. I'm feeling gradually better. Today I feel... like I don't want to move, but I can  move, and that's an improvement. Today I have the strength to fight back.

I'm still skipping class today. I'm not quite that  ambitious. Yet. I'll have to make myself go tomorrow. That's my statistics class, and I can't afford to miss that one.

I did still include my child in some Samhain activities this weekend. We talked about our town's local ghosts, did some baking from our "harvest" at the grocery store Friday night, and explored our family tree on ancestry.com. Which, by the way, is completely addictive.

~

I did something else Friday night. I continued the oracle reading I had started on Thursday.

Thursday, I had drawn the first three. After the reading I left the cards in order, setting them on my altar. Friday, it felt right to continue.

In shorthand, I would read this as (roughly): "Remember what's good (otter); return the loyalty of dogs, they will guide you (dog); speak kindly to yourself (fox). Healing requires transformation (adder); persistence will bring you home (ram); find the strength to lead yourself, to be ok with being alone (wolf). Connect to what matters, leave the rest behind (hawk); be open to nourishment offered by others, particularly feminine deities (cow); you will find your place in the world through this journey (horse). These are the lessons to balance destructiveness with construction, to resolve long-buried conflicts and begin a new life (raven).

Good advice. I hope I can do it.

~
I use The Druid Animal Oracle Deck by Philip & Stephanie Carr-Gomm, illustrated by Bill Worthington.

vervet monkeys and totemism

V snuck up on me.

I lost track of the alphabet somewhere between last week and today.

Which means, obviously, that I'll be talking about Vervet Monkeys today.

Whaaaaa.....?

Please, try to contain your excitement.

Who said pastels aren't manly?

Actually, I do have a point (and it has nothing to do with colorful genitalia).

A recent revelation about how to read my animal oracle cards (or any cards) for divination has led me - as I said then - to view aspects of my spirituality differently. I started really looking at the qualities of each animal, as opposed to trying to memorize the meaning of each card. Sounds like a "duh" moment, but it took me awhile to get there. Anyway, this morning I was thinking about Vervets, because I was trying to think of a "V" word for my Pagan Blog Project post, and "Vervets" is a much better word than "vicissitudes." Well, maybe it isn't, but it's better for my brain this morning. I need something a little lighter today.

Thus, Vervets.

A friend of mine took that picture (above) while we were in Rwanda this summer. It's an adult male Vervet Monkey. You can tell because it has baby-blue balls. True story.

So having decided to talk about Vervets, I began pondering what lessons a Vervet might confer, were I to draw it from my oracle deck. Not that I have a Vervet card, but if I did. Specifically, I started thinking about what makes Vervets different from other monkeys, and from other primates.

And then I thought, "well it's not like drawing a vervet monkey would give the same advice as drawing a baboon." But... that sentence might actually not make sense to anyone who isn't into primatology in some capacity, so I'll expand. You can tell a lot about a species by how they play, because juvenile play is a huge indicator of how the species will behave as adults.

Vervets have a relatively loose hierarchy in their social structures, and they engage in about as much solitary play as social play. Baboons, on the other hand, have a oft-contested and rigidly enforced social hierarchy - their play is almost always social play, because those skills are important for them to develop. ... That's just one difference in the character of the two species; there are many more. We don't even have to go into their physical differences, which are great enough.

If I were to draw a Baboon card, I would interpret it as a lesson in hierarchies, power, and family loyalties. A Vervet would be a lesson in flexibility, oneness with your environment, and being comfortable in your own skin - even if you have baby-blue balls. It's like comparing vikings with hippies. Two very different animals. Each species of primate - and there are many - is different from the others.

So I wonder, for those who have "monkey" totems, which one do you have? It pays to do the research on this.

~

And then  I thought, maybe I should create a primate oracle deck. That would be interesting. That's a project for the winter holiday season, when I don't have to go to classes all week. I'll keep you posted.

finding hope

Cloistered in my bedroom, doing my get-ready-for-bed routine - putting away the clutter of clean laundry, notebooks, and miscellany that coats my bed each day - I saw my oracle cards, had a moment of love, and realized, "duh, I should ask my oracle cards how to get myself back into balance." This deck is all about balance; every answer I've ever gotten, for anyone, from this deck, has pointed toward a more balanced [whatever the situation called for].

So I sat on my now-cleanish bed, and shuffled. And drew.

Dog.
Fox.
Otter.

Now, usually I'm looking immediately for the symbolism of each card; this time, after drawing the first card (the Dog), I thought, "huh, maybe this is literal." Maybe that's because I just got back from taking Bella for a walk, and playing with both dogs and their toys after the walk - activities which improved my mood. It wasn't a drastic improvement, but still, any improvement is good. There hasn't been any in so long. My instincts tell me to listen to that first thought, and consider the very recent improvement to be proof.

So before drawing the second and third cards, I felt there was a literal quality to this reading that I haven't seen much in previous readings. Then, the Fox - the High Priestess in my coven believes the Fox may be trying to reach me, in the sense that s/he might be a totem animal I'm meant to learn from.

And the Otter. Oh, the Otter. If I had any doubts that this was a literal reading, they disappeared with the appearance of the Otter. Remember my Otter story?

...ok, here I have to break into what I was about to say, and replace it. This is what just happened. Just now.

I went to my list of blog posts and searched for "otter" because I wanted to link the post with my otter story right where I said, "Remember my Otter story?" A quick reference for anyone who was curious and didn't know what I was talking about. The four posts I've done recently about otters came up, but so did one more, from quite a while ago: "dichotomy: survivor v. whore." That made me curious; I hadn't started working with Otter back then. Otters weren't even really on my radar at that point. I figured I must have done a reading that I logged in that post, since my oracle cards were really the only place I came into contact with otters, then. So I clicked the link, to see what I said. Sure enough, I had done a reading and gotten Otter. I read on, remembering the post. It was a highly emotional time for me - more than now, because things were more volatile then. I was still so devastated by then-recent events that my emotions and wits felt so scattered much of the time. Now, I'm just dealing with Depression - an illness, not a symptom of trying times. I got to the bottom of the post, and went on to the comments. Reading Archer's comments to me... how do I describe it? They just made me feel warm inside, loved. I smiled.

And I'm glad I followed the otter back to that post, to that time.

I know what my depression is; for the most part, I know how to combat it. Recently, I've been overwhelmed by the siege.

I need to remember to play with my dogs; exercising them, exercises me - and that's good for my health. The Dog of my oracle deck is a protector; I believe my dogs help protect me from myself.

I need to remember that Archer loves me, has always loved me, even when I didn't feel worthy. Even before I knew what to think about him, when I couldn't have seen it because I didn't believe it was possible. The Otter led me back there, and I needed that. His lesson, always pertinent, is a reminder that things are ok. I have a stuffed otter (not a real one, a toy; the silkiest stuffed toy I've ever touched). Just holding him makes me feel a little better. Juvenile, but better nonetheless.

And the Fox, I believe, is me. Surrounded by those who love me, trying to keep the words in my head from becoming weapons, used to break me down from the inside, out. I've decided - just now - that it's time for me to start trying to work with Fox. But the message in this reading from Fox seems clear (besides needing to work with her/him) - my greatest difficulty in battling my depression is in the shame I associate with certain memories. Most don't actually warrant shame on my part, some embarrassment in a few perhaps, but not shame. Nevertheless, the shame is there. And when the litany of my misdeeds begins to play through my memories, it's this that does the most damage. I cut myself with my own words; Fox counsels care with communication, so that words do not become weapons through deceit. I'm working hard, lately, to remember the good things, when the bad things try to take over my thoughts. Practice makes perfect, right? Maybe not. But I'm getting better at it.

Tonight, I found hope.

Now, I'll link you back to that Otter story. Enjoy.

tarot, and the 78 days project: 1/78

I've been thinking about how to introduce my new tarot deck - when it gets here - to my existing oracle deck. I don't want there to be any tension between the two.

I don't think of my oracle deck as being so petty; I do think of myself potentially having some internal concerns over becoming unbalanced in my connections to the two decks (my existing connection with my oracle cards, and the connection I hope to develop with my new tarot cards).

I ordered this deck, by the way. It should be here today.

While looking for that picture, I found this review. I'm glad I read it - I feel like I have a better grasp on what I'm going to use this deck for. Of course that could change when it actually gets here, but at least I have a stronger starting point now.

The differences in the purposes of the decks (determined largely by their respective 'personalities') will guide me in their use. My oracle cards almost always speak more to the hidden aspects of the querent's personality  (or sometimes, not-so-hidden) which are relevant to the question, thus guiding almost entire from the inside of the person's psyche in a way which seeks balance in all things. I get the impression the incoming tarot deck might be less subtle.

~
UPS can't get here soon enough!
~

Going back to my original concerns - introducing the new deck to the old deck - I think I'd like to do a little rephrasing. I'm no longer so concerned with potential tension between the two decks. I think that was probably some pretty intense projection on my part. However, each new strongly energetic item that enters my home must figure out - or be taught - to live harmoniously with the other energies of my home. Discontent is not tolerable. But... I don't know whether this deck will show up full of its own energy, or void, waiting to be developed. My oracle deck had its own, but it was distant or perhaps immature. That might also have been merely emblematic of our lack of connection, which had yet to be built.

So, we'll see when it gets here, and take it from there because I'm unable to draw conclusions without more information.

~

What brought this on:

I've been eyeballing the steampunk tarot deck for quite some time, and I'm not entirely sure why.

I love the aesthetic of the steampunk style - which was what first drew my eye to the genre - and as I learn more about the ideas inherent in the style, I've become enamored of the entirety. I've never had the money to get involved, though. Having a child does terrible things to budgets of time, money, and energy.

I have been growing more curious about learning tarot. Always before, tarot has been somewhat intimidating to me. There are so many cards, and layers of meaning which vary by the type of card (major arcana, minor... etc) - it just seemed like a lot. That's changed, gradually, since I've been thinking about how I read the cards. I'm finding the idea of learning tarot less intimidating, and more approachable. But I still didn't have a deck, and as much as I liked the steampunk deck's aesthetic, I still didn't buy it.

I've been shopping around, testing the feel of many decks in my mind. None felt right. They felt alien, and I didn't know if that were just the unfamiliarity, or if it was a sign of incompatibility. And, though perhaps this is a sign of superficiality, I wanted a deck that was different. None of the themes I was seeing really spoke to me. Of course I've heard the 'accepted wisdom' that every tarot reader should have - or begin, even - with one of the traditional decks. Accepted wisdom doesn't interest me much. I kept coming back to the steampunk deck. I felt drawn to it, despite never really being involved in the steampunk scene.

Yesterday, I read a post on the Dusken Path about her plan to blog through 78 days of tarot. I guess that was all the kick I really needed. I bought the deck. It's on its way.

I'm excited.

~
The Steampunk Tarot deck just arrived! Skimming through the accompanying book, I saw "Tarot reflects our current struggles and concerns as a culture." I was wrong. As I flipped back to the page where I thought I saw that, I discovered the actual text: "Steampunk, and any genre or subculture, reflects our current struggles and concerns as a culture." Hmmmm... thanks for the tip, Freud. That little discovery led to this little epiphany: a deck should reflect a certain outlook on the world of the reader which is useful or relevant to that reader. Steampunk, in my eyes, is a microcosmic representation of the anticipation we all have for better things to come, and the hope that we won't lose the best parts of our histories. This deck, at first feel, captures that energy. It's a very happy deck. In hindsight, I realize I was a bit worried it might be somewhat dark, and thus not be a good companion for me. I'm quite happy with the outcome.

I'll keep this new deck by my side for the first few weeks, as I did (and sometimes continue to do) with my oracle deck. I find that this practice helps with the 'getting to know you' phase of new divination tools.

As I believe is common, the first card I saw - before I even removed the cellophane wrapper - was The Fool. He's a youth with a small white dog, reminiscent of Tin-Tin, but that he's carrying a chimney sweep's tool and standing on a roof. He gives the feel of ease and simplicity in life, and the happiness which can come alongside those qualities. Did I not know how difficult a life with no things can be, I would envy him greatly. Except, that this deck does not evoke so unhappy an emotion. There's a certain delicate wisdom which is lost along with our innocence; this Fool retains that wisdom, evokes it. I don't think that's something to be sad about.

reading the cards

Thinking about something that happened last May... My friend the wandering wisewoman read my cards for me - with my own cards, with which she had zero familiarity. The experience forced me to change my approach to card reading, for the better.

She literally read  the cards, looking into them instead of at them; no recall, just the message itself in the art. She is all intuition, no memorization.

I've always been concerned with remembering what each card is "supposed" to mean, and had missed the point - that each card will tell you what it wants you to know, if you just pay attention.

My approach to card reading has changed, but so has my approach to spirituality. I'm far less worried, these days, about what the stories and lore say about my deities. I'm more prone to listening to the deities themselves. I'm more likely to listen to my own wisdom, as well.

The result? I'm working my way toward Happier.

in Rwanda: 11 July 2012, to Nyungwe

Journal, Day 11 [written on the 12^th]

Yesterday, the 11^th, was a rough day for me. There was a lot of up-and-down in my mood, which is only partially regulated by my anti-depressant medication. The morning started out well. It was our first night of not camping in a week, so I thoroughly enjoyed being in a bed, and having a pillow (I forgot to bring one with me on this trip). Sara and I had breakfast at the hotel – which was awesomely not camp food – and then walked around Kigali a bit to do some shopping. We got some more minutes for our phones, and stopped by a clothing shop that we had visited the night before. The two girls who work there, Fiona and Zya, remembered us from the night before (we had stopped there, looking for pants for Sara) and invited us to go to a club with them on Friday. Of course, we won’t be there on Friday – we’ll still be in Nyungway – so we had a good excuse to decline the offer.

I had some time in the morning, while we were waiting to find out the schedule for the day, to write a substantial email to Archer. That was a good feeling; it had been a while. I even had to write a note to my girlfriend, and some of my other friends. – And then the computer’s power went out. So I went and waited with everyone else.

We got a new driver and a new truck right around lunch time. That was great because the old driver was actually frightening (in his driving ‘technique’), we couldn’t communicate with him because he only spoke ikinyarwandan (which I probably just spelled wrong), and the vehicle was crap. The new driver speaks French and English, is a very good driver, and has a really nice – if a bit small – truck. We’re pretty cramped in there, but at least it’s safer and we can communicate with the driver. Unfortunately, I think the seating arrangement made me nauseous. There’s one row of regular seating behind the front seat, then the back of the truck has two rows which face the center of the truck. Sitting on one of the back seats means you’re moving sideways when the truck drives forward. I sat on the inner edge of one of those seats, and had a little less than half a cheek actually on the seat for the entire trip. The other girls helped out by putting bags and jackets next to the seat, so I had something to sit on, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been able to handle that without all the Aleve I took. My back is still paying for it today. It’s all good though. Next time, I’ll ask to sit facing forward. The nausea was worse than the pain, anyway.

The highlight of the day, and really of the trip if you exclude the research from consideration, was the dancers we saw at the museum yesterday. They wove dramatic dancing in with the traditional Rwandan dances, and drummed as they danced. There’s something very primal about drumming that moves me every single time. And their drumming was powerful. It really was an unexpectedly spiritual experience. On one hand, I wished I had my drum with me, because I was inspired by their drumming. On the other hand, I’m glad I didn’t, because not having my drum forced the experience to remain separate from anything I would do on my own. I’m not sure if that makes as much sense ‘out loud’ as it does in my head, but there you go.

After the museum we stopped for dinner at a nearby restaurant. The social aspect of that was fun, but it seemed to take forever to be served our food. Maybe it just seemed that way because I was so tired and nauseous. Then we were back in the truck, headed to Nyungway. Luckily, that was a shorter trip, and the car sickness wasn’t quite as rough. Somehow I ended up sitting entirely on the bags, though, with just a small portion of my thigh touching the seat. …I can’t do that again. By the time we got to the guest house, I was hurting, sick, and feeling very anti-social. Not a great combination when I’m surrounded by exuberant girls who were just excited to be here, and also probably tired. In particular, Lana and I really got on each other’s nerves last night, and it’s embarrassing to acknowledge that I snapped at her. We both had valid arguments, but neither of us recognized that until later. I was in pretty bad shape by then, and failed to control my temper. After things quieted down (mostly thanks to Bernd’s intervention), I took some time and just sat outside by myself. Sara sat with me for a little while, and graciously let me vent, but it got too cold for her after a bit, and she went inside. I needed the alone time more than I needed warmth, so I stayed out there and tried to calm down. Eventually, I went in and apologized to Lana. I wasn’t really calm yet, but I felt it was important to apologize before everyone else went to sleep. I’m glad that I did, but even this morning – the day after all this happened – I still don’t feel ready to be social. There are not a lot of options here, though, so I’m glad that at least today isn’t a heavily scheduled day, and I can relax, write, and reflect. It’s good medicine.

I probably spelled Nyungway wrong too. But you know what I mean, eh?

in Rwanda: 9 July 2012, breakfast oracle

Taken 3 Aleve per day since the second day in Akagera. It’s 0612 right now. I’ve been awake for about an hour. I’m a little grumpy. No Aleve yet this morning. Have to wait until I eat. And I gotta try to eat more protein today. Wasn’t much in the last two meals. I want some more of that goat meat. Yum. Stays with ya. Like, in your teeth. Tasty though.

Ah, the silverback has emerged. (Good morning Professor Steklis, adult male.) Oh the coffee’s being poured through the strainer. Also yum.

There was a period of time this morning, say 0510-0520ish, during which everything was silent. There was no noise. No birds, no insects, no nothing. It might have been the end of the world. Sara’s pretty sure it was. I think if it were, that would have meant that I slept through Armageddon. Very plausible.

No really.

Definitely going to be time for some Aleve soon. Com’ooooooooooooooooon breakfast! Any time now, really. I wonder if I use that word too much. Maybe. Or maybe it’s a coincidence that it just happened twice in two sentences. Well, two fragments, anyway. Whatever. Man if only I could just type all day while we were doing stuff, I could actually capture everything that’s happening. That would be cool. My fingers would get a workout. I’d probably drop the laptop a few times. Maybe that’s not a good idea. Still, it would be cool if it were possible. Just because it would be cool to be able to capture everything. I know there are things I forget, even when I take notes all day.

Ok, still waiting for breakfast. Time for the cards. Or I’ll get caught up in daily activities and never get around to the cards.

Fire Dragon
Cow
Raven

A lot of raw energy, maybe aggression, is brewing and needs to be controlled. It could also be the vital energy of youth, which is destructive when misguided. It needs to be harnessed, not allowed to become destructive. That’s the causal dynamic. The social manifestation is feminine energy that should be used for nurturing, but maybe is being squandered. The resulting manifestation, which will be positive if the fire dragon is harnessed and the cow is allowed to nurture, is a great lesson in learning, in social accountability and the language of the group. If this is a negative lesson, the Raven is a prophet of the destruction which comes before new life. (Based on the preceding cards, I’d say that this isn’t a good time for destructive cycles – take that as a warning.)

Hmm. And with that, I’m getting dressed. All the tent-mates are awake now, so I won’t disturb anyone by doing so. And breakfast still isn’t ready. Perfect timing.

Today is my mother's birthday. She's 59. Shhhhh! Don't tell her I told!
I borrowed phone minutes from Sara so I could call Mom.

Gratutious Vervet Play!

dichotomy: survivor v. whore

This painting was titled "Survivor" when I completed it last autumn. It was Archer who named it. I was playing around with generic names like 'dancing girl' - names that just described the picture, without speaking to the power or emotion of it. I had painted it, but I didn't know what to think of it, yet. Then he suggested "Survivor." That's what it made him think of. He saw me in that painting. He saw me as a survivor.

It fit the painting. The name, once spoken in front of the painting, latched onto the artwork like an acrylic seal, forevermore inseparable. It stuck.

~

Archer bought that painting from me last November. He loves it.

~

Then, it happened. That thing, which I've mentioned before but never been able to talk about. Yeah. That.

Last December. I had flown to Iowa, with my child, to visit my mother. Archer was supposed to follow a few days later, so he could meet my family. I still am not going into the nitty gritty on this one. In a sense, it has become another blocked memory. I recall vividly the pain, the fear, feeling-of-rock-bottom, and sound of Archer - angry, righteous and drunk, his voice turning the phone into a weapon. He was right; I had lied to him. Earlier in our relationship, I had cheated on him. I had excuses, but not reasons. I had been fearful. I hadn't trusted him. I hadn't believed that, if given the truth, that he would understand it or believe it, or love me. And maybe he wouldn't have, I don't know. But of course he deserved to decide that for himself. At the time, I was in a furtive sort of survival mode; I was reeling from ending my second marriage, and reeling more from having been in that marriage at all. I didn't trust anybody. I didn't yet believe he loved me at all. I suspected I was an experiment to him. He was embedded in the traditional, vanilla, straight-man, suburban mindset, and he expressed a desire to understand my very-different background. His interest was guided by a genuine desire to understand the woman he already loved, but at the time I thought he was only interested in dissecting me. When he was done, when he had passed the negative verdict I expected, I would be yesterday's news, just another fucked up kid with no future and no value. Someone to tell jokes about at the next suburban gathering. I didn't believe in his integrity. I didn't believe in his love.

All these: excuses, but nothing that actually excuses the act. There is no reason for treating a person the way I treated him. Even if I had been right about him, I should have been right in my own actions.

I was too weak.

In the night before Archer was to fly to Iowa, these things came to a head; he decided not to come. Our relationship seemed unlikely to survive the week. Devastated does not begin to describe what I felt, having finally been forced to face how my fears had affected my treatment of him. I realized, then, that I had finally found a lover who was everything he said he was - trustworthy, true, driven by his ethics, and in love with me - and I had pushed that lover away in the most dramatic, decisive way possible. He should have left me then. By some miracle, he didn't. I considered leaving him, for several days. I believed he should have left me, and I was prepared to leave him if he lingered. Not because I couldn't bear to face the shame of being with the person I had wronged - if there's anything I am accustomed to, it's shame - but because I believed it would be right for him to leave me, and I wanted very much to do "right." I have never been so blessed as I was in the moment he decided to stay, and I lacked the courage to leave. Maybe it wasn't so much a lack of courage as a realization that this was my chance - he actually understood why I had lied, that I did love him, and that I was very, very wounded; he actually Loved me. I wasn't an experiment. I wasn't a project or an orphan to be saved. He wanted to help.

I came home from Iowa the day after New Year's Day, spiritually bloodied, literally shaken, and completely fearful. But also, stronger. Not stronger yet, but with a glimmer of hope that I could be strong, and that I could be the person I wanted to be. I don't remember having ever been so certain that I needed to and would work to become me. It was a tenuous start, but I knew I had to do it. I was afraid of doing it alone, but would have if it had been necessary. I'm very, very lucky that it wasn't necessary. Archer has been there, every step of the way, and his support has become stronger and more capable as he understands more of my psychoses.

~

This was written shortly after Archer told me he had renamed my painting "Eala the Whore."

Eala is me. That's my spiritual name, and the name I sign my paintings with.

Eala the Whore. He renamed it while I was Iowa, when he was angry. Three weeks later, he told me. He mentioned it casually, like 'yeah, that's what I was thinking when I was angry.' It wasn't a big deal to him. I cried when he told me. Fresh salt on a grave wound that had hardly begun to heal. A reminder of the pain I had caused him.

I don't think he still thinks of the painting that way. He's gone back to calling it Survivor, I think. But I can't. Every time I see it, I think of the new name, and I cringe inside. It's a symbol of the pain I inflicted on him, and myself. I can't look at that painting anymore. It hurts too much.

~

Somehow, I have to find a way to face it. I have to find a way to rectify that dichotomy. Am I a survivor, or a whore? This is the next step on my journey. I don't know where my foot will land.

I asked my cards how I go about healing this hurt.

This was their answer:

1 Fire Dragon
2 Otter
3 Owl

Remember, the first card is the instigator, the second is the emotional manifestation, and the third is the concrete manifestation. 

The Fire Dragon energizes us and encourages us to overcome obstacles; he ignites inner fires to give us the energy we need to face problems and solve them.

The Otter is an invitation to stop worrying too much, to relax and let life happen. Remember to play; it's ok to 'be a kid again' sometimes. Try not to force things to happen unnaturally.

The Owl's story is one of overcoming obstacles, but not just overcoming them - the Owl turns disadvantages into advantages, and by so doing, succeeds.

I'm not sure, yet, how to use that advice. Am I worrying too much about how Archer saw that painting when he was angry? Can I really just - let it go? Or... can I overcome this hurt by embracing the memory of what happened as a stepping stone, rather than looking at it as a weapon?

... I'm going to sleep on this one. And ask Archer. I need his wisdom right now.

recognizing where I am

This morning I was at a local breakfast spot with the Amazing Archer, waiting for our food to come... Archer was busy reading the Adam Yauch article in my Rolling Stone magazine, and I had forgotten to bring any reading material of my own. So I pulled my oracle cards out of my purse (where they live) and thought, well, let's see what they want to tell me today. I shuffled and dealt with no particular question in mind. Usually when I do that I get a response which describes the over-arching dynamic shaping my life at that time, and that's exactly what happened this morning. Of course, I was with Archer at the time, watching his intensity, humor, and curiosity, all honing in on the article he was reading; his is a beautiful mind. So although I asked a general question, the focus on my relationship with Archer that you'll notice in the response I got, isn't surprising in the least.

I typically do a three-card spread. I think I've mentioned this before...? Maybe not. The first card is the instigator - it represents the instigating force or factor in the questioned situation. The second card is the emotional manifestation of the situation, and the third card is the physical, or concrete, manifestation. 

Here's what I drew today:

1 - the Goose
2 - the Water Dragon
3 - the Dog

The Water Dragon! Can you believe that? I was just researching that the other day... (check out the last part of this post).

Anyway, let's start with the Goose, since that's where the cards started. Geese are interesting animals, as they represent a set of behaviors which might seem dichotomous at first glance. They symbolize devotion to family and marriage, and great journeys. For many, family is linked to home, so great journeys might seem incompatible with devoting oneself to family. In geese, though, we see a different perspective on the purpose of families. Geese mate for life (unlike the average human), and are fiercely devoted to their mates and offspring. They're also migratory birds. So how do we translate this to a human lesson, when we experience various levels of devotion and generally do not participate in regular migrations (though some do)? My book - the one that came with the cards - offers this: the Goose is a lesson in understanding that a strong family or a strong familial partnership can provide the strength one needs to be capable of undergoing a strenuous spiritual journey. - Keep that in mind.

The Water Dragon is a powerful animal; it shows us the depths of our spiritual and emotional selves, and for me, serves as a reminder of the strength of hidden memories. It also reminds me that I must work through those memories, despite the difficulty of doing so. The toxic old memories, long harbored somewhere in my skull, have a strength of their own, and are capable of overpowering me, causing me to act, sub-consciously (though not entirely unconsciously - that's a long post all on its own, for another time), in ways that are harmful to my soul, and to the people around me. I must bleed the poison from those wounds - and I'm doing so, slowly, and as fast as I can. Something in my hasn't allowed me to go too fast; maybe it's the same block that kept it all hidden away for so long. Maybe it's just reluctant to crumble. Maybe some wiser corner of my mind knows I can't handle too much at once. Better to go little by little - so that's what I do. I'm pretty happy with my progress, overall. - It's a great journey, one I couldn't have even started without Archer's influence, and couldn't have kept at pace, without his continuous and selfless support. (Remember the Geese?)

The Dog is a symbol of loyalty and companionship; sometimes the Dog is a suggestion to question who you put your loyalty into, and sometimes to question whether you are rewarding the loyalty being shown to you. The Dog is also a guide, and helps us through a difficult journey, if loyalties are given and taken as they should be. This is the concrete manifestation of that which was instigated by card number one - the Goose.

Here's the take-away: In basing myself firmly in a strong romantic/familial partnership, I have gained the strength I need and the guidance I need to be able to make this great but difficult journey, the journey of self-understanding; staying on this path - in this relationship, with this level of dedication - I will find my way back to myself, and find the way to take my power back from my memories.


Did I know this already?

Well yeah. But it's good to be reminded, and to be reminded to recognize these things as the miracles they are. It reinforces my certainty, which is never a bad thing.

k is for kundalini

The day after the solar eclipse, which happened just over two weeks ago, I went to see a wise woman. I should say: a Wise Woman. I've known her for less than a year, but it seems we've been friends for ages. Perhaps we have. The first time we met, she told me about my life, and about my self, in terms that clarified things I hadn't realized needed clarification. She did it again, this last time I saw her.

Using my cards, she did a reading and explained my life to me. I'd tell you what she said, but if you've read any of my blog, it would be redundant.
I'm still in awe of her ability as a seer and a healer.

One of the things she said to me involved kundalini energy. I understood it in the context, but lacked background comprehension that would have given full weigh to her statement.
Since that conversation, I've done my homework.

She told me that my kundalini energy was strong and was flowing from my root and through me unobstructed. It made me feel energized, and motivated, she said.

At first, I wondered if she hadn't just made the first mistake ever.

But, she wasn't mistaken. For that day - and the few day before, and a few days after - I felt good. I felt happy.

There were disappointments - not being able to see my girlfriend or my boyfriend on the way home that evening - but overall I felt like I could handle the disappointments. They weren't overwhelming. Emotionally, I felt like what I imagine "normal" people feel like about disappointments. That is, I was just disappointed, not hopelessly depressed.

Archer noticed the change after that trip, when I finally saw him the day after I got back. He said I looked happy. I was. I tried to understand what had happened to make me feel so good; I speculated that the road trip was good for me. I don't know that the road trip was all that happened. I don't doubt that it helped me - I do love road trips - but I don't know that it entirely explains my good feeling. I hadn't taken my medicine most of that weekend. That wave of good feeling was - is - inexplicable. Maybe it was the eclipse. Maybe it was the excitement of seeing something as awe-inspiring as the eclipse; I do think that was when it started.

Maybe I shouldn't analyze it.

But I'm going to anyway. Because that's what I do.

I'd like to be able to replicate it, if that's possible. If it's something I can make happen, or at least encourage, I want to know how. Maybe that can help me control my depression.

~

This was interesting, because it ties kundalini energy into another presence in my spiritual life, of late: the dragon.

Hm, "presence" might be too strong a word; but the topic has been coming up, and showing up, an awful lot over the past couple months.

In this Year of the Water Dragon (by Chinese astrology)... The High Priestess of my coven believes that a water dragon is near me, possibly as a totem animal. She says she sees his energy around me. Several months ago Archer bought me a silver-and-sapphire colored serpent bracelet that is reticulated and wraps intimately around me; I've come to associate it with Archer's protective embrace. I swear it warms when I wear it. Dragons have been showing up in my card readings for myself - something they've never done before. In particular, I've seen the Earth Dragon more than a few times; kundalini may be more closely related to the Fire Dragon, but I'm guessing the Root Chakra is more closely related to the Earth, and the Earth Dragon.

It's something to think about.

j is for... just breathe

Just breathe.

Letter to myself, this morning:

Just get through today. You don't have to be happy and outgoing all day, just for a few minutes. You don't have to be all business-casual all day, just for the interview. After that, you don't have to tell anyone anything, if you don't want to. You can stay home. You can paint. You can relax. You can read. You can wear your comfy jeans with the holes in them. Just breathe.

~

Yes, I have my comfy jeans on now.

I had an interview today. It was step 2 in my application for a scholarship. I feel like it went well, by the way. They seemed excited. I'll know by Monday.

This morning, I woke up well. I got to talk to Archer for a little while, and I got some good sleep last night. But then I spent an hour or so cleaning my carpet because my poor dogs had diarrhea last night. (On the bright side, I figured out what was making them sick - the new food I just bought for them.) And then... I don't know. I actually felt like I accomplished something after I finished cleaning up - which was a good feeling - but I was just down. It's more than just feeling sorry for my dogs.

It's almost as though I felt good when I first got up because I wasn't fully awake yet; once my mind started to wake up and I became aware, my mood sank.

It was all I could do today to get showered, get enough to eat (I wasn't hungry), and get myself ready for the interview. Then I expended my entire day's worth of sociability in one 20 minute interview.

I put on my interrogator face.* The one where I shut out all my self-doubts, all awareness of my actual mood, and paint myself with a veneer of whatever mood will best suit my purposes. In this case, it was cheerful exuberance.

And now I'm done. Done for the day. Back in my comfy clothes.

~

*My previous occupation: Interrogator, US Army; a lifetime ago.

~

These are the days I could spend entirely in meditation. Or painting. Today, I have contemplated ...nothing. Not nothing, but... hm... I felt like my subconscious was in overdrive, while my conscious mind was numb and nearly blank. I just... breathe.

I don't really know what to do with these days, but it feels like a great time for divination.


I use a Druid Animal Oracle Deck, mostly. I have runes too, which I love, but lately I've been drawn more toward the cards.

I drew one card: the Bull, reversed... indicative of a lack of motivation.

Huh. Well, there ya have it.

The power of my cards to state the obvious is astounding.

Is there a deity of "duh"?


Update:
It's now much later in the evening. I decided to do another drawing, and it seemed worth updating the post to include it. This time I drew three cards:

Earth Dragon, reversed
Adder, reversed
Ram, reversed

Ok, first of all, I have never drawn the Earth Dragon before, nor have I ever drawn all three cards reversed. I've been using this deck consistently since ...2006? Or so. Anyway, a long damn time to have never drawn something before. And today, it comes up reversed. With two other reversed cards.

(Incidently, I love my deck. It's so blunt.)

Here's my take on this:

The Earth Dragon guards treasure; that treasure is our potential, our talents, maybe even our souls. And, the Earth Dragon is an aspect of our selves. So reversed, I consider this an indication that I'm not protecting myself - my soul - in a way that promotes my well-being. Now, in general, that could mean either that I was being too protective, or that I'm not being protective enough. I know: I'm laid bare, and vulnerable. As the first card in the draw, this represents the cause of my current state.

The Adder indicates healing through transformation; the Adder is symbolic of our spiritual energy. Reversed, it means I'm doing it wrong. The Adder is both poisonous and transformative; it is life, via death. Ah... sound familiar? I've been talking a lot about Hela lately. I am half-rotted, and parts of my soul have died, but I'm on a path of self-healing, and transformation. I'm becoming the person I always was, but never allowed myself to be. I've taken some steps, but have many more to go. Today, I think the Adder is telling me that I have allowed my depression to poison me, halting my progress. As the second card in the draw, this represents the emotional aspect of my current state.

The Ram, to me, means Home. But the Ram also tells a story of coming home through adversity, and of persevering despite obstacles. Reversed: I've allowed myself to stagnate. I stopped fighting, stopped working my way back home. As the third card in the draw, this represents the 'reality' of my current state.

As I said: this deck is quite blunt. No silk gloves on this one.

I thanked my cards, and put them away.
Tonight, my first step is to just breathe.
Today was a step backward;
tomorrow will be a step forward.
Just breathe, and put one foot in front of the other.