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17 January 2013


It's freezing in my house tonight. Maybe it's just me.
I tried writing about all this when it first happened. The line above was as far as I got.


You have to be very careful with words. They speak your intentions, even the ones you are not aware of. Words are truth on the deepest level. They can change you, inside and out.

I'm probably angry right now. In fact, I know I am. But I can't feel it. There's a lot of things I can't feel. There's a wall of apathy between me and the world outside of my household. On the inside, are my son, my dogs, my cat, and my son's new ferret, who we just got last night. The night before last, Archer finally said the words I knew were coming, and it broke my heart.

He's been so angry lately. Not with me, but with... his life, I suppose. His younger daughter - the other is an adult - was the only person spared the brunt of it (he retained presence of mind enough for that, which speaks to his core as a parent). I knew he was choosing not to answer the phone when he saw my name on the caller ID. I knew he was avoiding me, that he was angry and his anger had no direction, that nearly all of us were feeling it. I thought to be patient, to wait for him to realize this and correct himself. I was foolishly unprepared for the distance between knowing what was going on, and being told what was going on.

He said he felt like he was on vacation from the world, that maybe he just needed a break, to be selfish for a while. To be utterly selfish. And he knew that his younger daughter was the only person who would never forgive him. There's more to that than what I had presupposed. It wasn't just anger; I had been taken for granted, and was no more valuable than any of the people who actually deserved his anger. When he 'took a vacation,' I wasn't part of that. I was on the outside of his walls.

Maybe it isn't totally clear why that was so hurtful. I've been in plenty of relationships in which I wasn't, and didn't expect to be, on the inside with that person. It was ok. It was how those relationships functioned. This is the first relationship I've had in which I felt at any point, that I was on the inside. Here's the thing: I have always let the other person on the inside with me. In previous relationships, that was a problem because it created an imbalance - those relationships weren't really  ok. This one, with Archer, was different. We were inside together. Until he pushed me out, without cause or explanation. Well, there was a cause- he was angry - it just wasn't a cause that had anything at all to do with me.

I told him, in response, that I was going to have to protect myself from him, although I wasn't going anywhere. I still believe this is temporary, and there's a furtiveness to permanent solutions for temporary problems.

I had to shut off that side of me that allows me to put myself "out there" for another person. I had to withdraw into myself, to protect my heart. When he comes back, then so will I.

Based on yesterday and today, so far, Archer seems to be coming back. That conversation, and the brief minutes we saw each other yesterday, seem to have helped wake him up.

I'm still here. Just, waiting in my walls.


I couldn't write about that right away. I had to wait for the words to come, and they come best in the numbness of apathy. In shutting down the side that cares, I have erected a wall between us. I'm hoping that I can keep that wall specific, that I won't allow it to affect my other relationships. And I think I've been successful, except that today I couldn't seem to make myself get out of bed before one pm (and then I got up only because I was running out of time before my class starts this evening). So perhaps indirectly, it will affect others. (My son, by the way, thought it was great because he got to play on his xbox this morning, instead of doing schoolwork. Which isn't great, but I don't mind giving him a short vacation, either. He has been so helpful recently, with housework and taking care of the animals.)

And now it's two pm, and I really need to get breakfast and a shower, and go to class.

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