the Wildwood Tarot deck

I got a new tarot deck, the Wildwood Tarot deck by Mark Ryan and John Matthews, art by Will Worthington. The first card to greet me when I opened the package had a picture of a stoat. I love stoats! And weasels and ferrets. So yeah, that's a good sign.

But the stoat is in the middle of the deck, and I like to begin at the beginning: with the Fool. In this deck, the Fool is called the Wanderer. There are many naming differences in this deck. The Magician is the "Shaman," the High Priestess is the "Seer," et cetera. Some of the differences were less obvious than those, and I had to check the numbers. I actually figured out the Archer (the Chariot) by the feel of the card and remembering approximately where the Chariot would be in the deck. But the Stag, number 8? Had to check, then felt silly because I had known number 8 was Strength... except that the description of the Stag does not fit with the traditional Strength card... and number 11 in the Wildwood deck, called the Woodward, does have the same meaning as the traditional Strength card. Soooo.... yeah, there are some differences. I think I may have to treat this deck almost as a more complicated oracle deck when I'm learning it, rather than trying to transfer my understanding (which is rudimentary anyway) of traditional tarot deck over to this one. That just won't work.

Other differences I expected, such as the overall feel of the deck. Where my steampunk deck is all hard truths and impassioned motivators, the Wildwood deck is deep truths with ancestral roots and a flair for verdancy. There's something solemn about these cards. Even the most light-hearted images - like the stoat - do not diffuse that abiding stoic presence.

The Wildwood deck is a radical departure from the easygoing and blunt playfulness of my Steampunk deck. Frankly, it's intimidating.

I'm both eager and apprehensive. I'm not sure I have the focus right now that this deck demands. Then again, perhaps they all require that same focus, and this one just won't let me get away with less (in contrast to my Steampunk deck, which allows me to get away with it, and my Animal Oracle deck, which is so familiar to me that we almost speak the same language).
Well that's an uncomfortable idea.
Hmm.

Here's where my stubbornness tries to kick in and lead me to jump into this new project - working with the Wildwood deck - all plans and good intention. But no, not this time. I'm working hard to insert common sense into my scheduling practices, and in this case that means not diving into a new and demanding project until my other demanding projects are finished. My foolish desire to rebel against intimidation be damned - this deck deserves my complete attention, and I'll wait until I can give it.

self-renewal and repurposing my home

I've been quiet of late, I know.
I'm reordering my life. I'm focusing more on my relationships - with my child, with myself, with my gods, and with my loves - and I'm reorganizing my house, so that it will be more of a sanctuary - for my child, myself, my gods, and my loves. That's what I've always sought in a home; that's what I will create, here, for the first time in my life. A sanctuary, gestalt.

~

Odin seems to have taken up permanent residence on my altar. I think I need to make him an altar of his own, so I can retain the general-usefulness of the one current altar in my house. I'm not sure, yet, where I'll put it. Probably in my bedroom somewhere. But I need my altar for other work.

~

Yesterday I spent a large-ish chunk of time contemplating ways to make my home stronger, less malleable to the expectations of others. Hmm, I suppose that requires some explanation.

Here's the thing: I wouldn't have thought of this if it hadn't happened. I'm still not totally sure it isn't coincidental, but the more I think about it, the more my doubt fades. It just doesn't make sense any other way.

Every night, my dogs sleep soundly from the time I go to sleep (or earlier), until I wake up in the morning, and I wake them up by opening my bedroom door. Frequently, me opening my door only wakes up Bella, the younger of the two dogs. I have to intentionally rouse Roxy, my old lady dog, to get her up for her morning potty break. And every day, my child sleeps until at least 8am, if not 9am. I am always the first one awake in my house. On the rare occasions that I oversleep, the dogs stay quiet, waiting for me and snoozing, while Child plays quietly in their room. If I oversleep, it's because (I'm exhausted, and) the house is quiet enough that I can. In the mornings, as I get close to waking, I sleep very lightly indeed.

Every time that Archer spends the night, something happens to disturb our sleep. The dogs have a coughing fit (I'm lookin at you, Bella, with the one ticklish hair caught in your throat), or they've eaten something that disagreed with them (oh Roxy the Ravenous) and are loudly vomiting all over my carpet (really, you couldn't at least aim for the tile?). Or Child wakes up at the crack of dawn, and knocks on my door because "it's morning, Mama!" W.T.F. household. Why you gotta be like that? And why do you only do this shit when Archer is... here? Oh....

There has to be a reason. Archer and I have been together almost two years - the longevity of this issue makes me really think it's not a coincidence, any more. Maybe it was at first, but not after so long. It has become... habitual. And why is that? It could be that Child and my dogs feel a change in the household when Archer is here. It could be. But... that doesn't feel like it's a strong enough variable to be independent. Their energy is unfocused, reactive but not driven. Archer's energy, on the other hand, is Driven. He is powerful, whether he means to be or not. His expectations have a way of coming true.

So I think that my house needs to be given a purpose. It needs direction of its own, and the energy to resist the expectations of anybody who isn't Me. It's My house, dammit. As I contemplated how to do this, Sretya seemed to come back out of the mists. Of course - homes are her thing. In hindsight, that's probably why she didn't want to be involved in my recent spellwork that opened the door for Odin coming into my life. It was to help something that was outside my home, and outside my household. Duh.

Anyway, that's why I need the only altar I have, back. Odin is here, so with his and Sretya's approval, I'll include him in the ritual, In fact, with the approval of all three, I'll include Hela, Odin, and Sretya, each for their own reasons. But, Sretya is the power behind this upcoming work. Hela and Odin are there for me, in their ways, but Sretya is there for the home. The altar will need to reflect that. And Odin needs his own. Maybe Hela does too - I'll ask.

Once I complete this work, I'll get back to working on learning the tarot and the 78 days project, and re-learning the runes.

I'll keep you posted.

the Chariot: 8/78 days of tarot

Oh how I wish I could harness some of her energy. She's forging ahead, full-steam and full of power. She is going somewhere, with momentum. She is purposeful, unheeding - or unconcerned - about the stormy skies around her.

And she's ... holding an umbrella?

Oh right, stormy skies.

Really, I think the umbrella adds to the unconcerned feel, kind of a "I'm going to get shit done, and hold my little umbrella, too." Like doing construction work in high heels and still kicking ass.

From the book: "'Despite any concerns you may have, I am in control of this situation.' ...The thunder of hoofbeats shakes the earth and yet her slight form remains perfectly still as the horsepower vibrates the reins. This confident young woman is intent upon forward movement and progress in the face of many challenges. The energy she directs is moving at dangerously high speeds. In the midst of the swirling chaos  she remains steady and focused."

Yes! What they said. Exactly. Awesome.
I can relate to that, even though I haven't been feeling it lately.

Reading on... "If it is your turn to drive the chariot, you will find yourself wanting to move in a certain direction. You will be confident in that direction. Getting started will be the hardest part."

Yeah no shit. That would be me, every single morning.

The final word: "Once you start moving, there won't be much that can stop you until you reach your goal."

Well I hope that turns out to be true.

I just talked to my psychiatrist this morning. She's getting me in for appointments more frequently these days. She wants to add a second antidepressant to my morning routine, an SSRI. The welbutrin (well, bupropion actually, which is a generic form of welbutrin, because the VA is fucking cheap) hasn't been enough lately. I'm not keeping up with my life. I'm functioning at a lower level than what I consider the minimum acceptable. Not far below, but still, not where I need to be.

For the most part, I can get through daily stuff, but nothing extra. Some important things have been dropped by the wayside.

I haven't seen my girlfriend in too long. I even missed a party at her house.

I have commissions to finish, and to start, ones that I want very much to do for their own sakes. I just can't seem to find the steam.

I just got a letter from DES (the Arizona agency that handles food stamps, state health care, welfare, and some other need-based assistance programs). They rejected my renewal for food stamps because I didn't make it into their office for an interview in time. ["Interview" is becoming such a vague term.... it's what they're calling it when I bring in paperwork that could just as easily been faxed or emailed.] I'll have to get in there this week and apply again. Otherwise the food stamps will come in later than usual - or not at all - next month. That's important. That's $300 a month I can't afford to replace.

The thing is, I can't get started in the mornings. I drag myself (kicking and screaming, yes) out of bed at a decent hour. I get my child's schooling done, or as close to done as I can before I go to my class (and the babysitter takes over). Usually, I make it to class. I've had to skip a few times, when I just couldn't make myself go. In the afternoons and evenings, when I have time to work on commissions or do other errands, I just can't make myself do it.

I am the Chariot, in reverse.

How do I turn this around?




~
Image of the card from: http://www.mindbodyspiritodyssey.com/2012/09/mind-body-spirit-odyssey-review.html

the Lovers: 7/78 days of tarot

When I first saw this card, and its name, I thought, "Oh, it's about love. And here's two lovers who seem well-balanced, if a little unsure. Or maybe that's just a sedate happiness. Yes, let's go with that. And... who's the angel lady? She seems like she approves... oh wait, did their hands manifest her? No wonder she approves."

I wasn't feeling this card. I chalk that up to my own issues.

I tried a bit more analysis, looking at the parts of the card, the artistic details and symbology. I noticed that the lights on either side felt balanced, so I counted: four on one side, six on the other. But, the six "lights" were yellow flowers, and smaller than the four gas lamps on the other side. So, balanced in a gestalt sense, but not numerically.

I felt like I wasn't really getting anywhere, so I opened the book a little sooner than I usually would.

Sayeth the book: "Core meaning: Making a decision that makes your heart glad."

Hmm. My confusion increased. Maybe it's the insomnia, but I was having serious trouble here. This is where things get sticky, because I couldn't see more than a tenuous connection between good decision-making skills and falling in love. (Poor decision-making, on the other hand, seems to have a strong track record in my history of love.) Really, I've never seen love as a choice made. I've long had this vague notion of love as something that happened, like the flu - unpredictable overall, but more likely in certain preventable circumstances, and bound to hurt once it takes up residence. I read a little more.

"[W]henever the right two things come together, something transformative and magical happens."

Then I thought of Archer, and it all came together. 

The lights are unbalanced individually, but balanced when seen as a whole. 

The angel is a conjuration of the lovers' decision to love; she is representative of the greater magic that happens when the right decision is made. 

The two people - the masculinized technology on the left, and the feminized natural world on the right - must be joined, unified, not separated.

The two people are confident; I know this confidence, because I feel it when Archer holds my hand.

"The Lovers" is the union of two good things into a whole,
which is better than its parts. 

Ours is the decision to unite, or not. 

the Hierophant: 6/78 days of tarot

My tarot deck just shuffled itself.

I picked it up to find the next card, then remembered the deck had slipped off my nightstand a few days ago and been hastily tossed back into a stack. So I took pains to re-organize it before starting my observation today. Just as I was putting the last card back in place, the deck practically leapt out of my fingers in a graceful slide toward the floor.

Exasperated, I gathered it up and organized it, in the order the cards had come in. I'd been keeping them unshuffled, thinking it would aid me in going through the deck as I learned each card, in order. Then I realized I probably should just let them be unshuffled. I think the deck was tired of being unshuffled. Stifled, it seemed to say.

Well, it's not like the "next" card is going to disappear from the deck just because it has been shuffled, so now I'm shuffling them.

They seem less tense. I think rigid orderliness didn't suit them. Can't say I blame them.

~

On we go, to the Hierophant, card number 5, the 6th card in a once-orderly deck. 

Here is a man who has spent long years in pursuit of wisdom. He is well-read, and wise enough to share what he has learned. He's not aggressive, but he's no pushover either. There's strength left in those arms. The children gather, seeking wisdom - seeking that essential key to a better path. In sharing his knowledge, he expresses his active participation in the world; he has learned much, and experienced much that could not be read. He is, perhaps, a philosopher who frequently leaves the library to test his ideas in the world.

The book says: "the Hierophant is one who teaches us how to live in accordance with our sacred beliefs... He is the bridge between theory and practice. He creates a connection between spiritual belief and daily life... The apple [holy crap there's an apple! How did I miss that?!]... if you cut an apple crosswise, the center forms a pentagram, representing the four elements of the physical world under the guidance of Spirit. Our Hierophant, shown here as a humble, compassionate, and wise teacher, weaves together all these notions and more, and gives them to us as keys to open up our own understanding."

Apples! The nourishment of the soul, a sacred fruit for a sacred purpose.
(I can't believe I missed that.)

the Emperor: 5/78 days of tarot

He's composed, masterful, calm on his throne, unworried but not without concern. 'Calm, cool, and collected,' indeed - this one seems to exemplify confidence. He's cautious, I think, but in a balanced way that doesn't descend into fearfulness. He's too competent for fearfulness. He isn't ostentatious, either. There's no need. This is a man who is focused on the material world, and confident in his place there. He's resourceful, and ultimately responsible.

He reminds me of Archer.

~

The book says: "The Emperor, unlike the Empress,  has strictly political and worldly associations... Through creating plans and systems, he ensures the effective distribution of resources, ideally providing enough for all. The four emblems on his throne represent the four elements of air, water, earth, and fire. Symbolically, these are the finite resources at his disposal that must be used for the good of all. Through creating systems upon which we depend, he creates peace and stability in daily life."

Ah yes, I can see that. Also, he feels distant, but not remote. I suppose there's always a bit of distancing necessary if one is going to organize a life, any life.

the Empress: 4/78 days of tarot

Indolent. That was the first word that came to mind when I saw her. She appears surly, bordering on petulant, but not actually spoiled. She's rather harsh on the senses, all bent angles and almost-hidden motherhood, but she shouldn't be underestimated - she's powerful, and can afford to be haughty. She is femininity and realism all rolled into one.

~

The book says this: "The appearance of the Empress promises abundance in your life. She heralds a time of creativity... However, there is something very important to keep in mind while considering the act of creation. Our Empress, our Mother Nature, may manifest ultimately as a calm pastoral scene, a charming field, or a lush garden, but soul-restoring environments were built on endless births and deaths. The process isn't always pretty... It all comes from the heart of your creative being; as it fights its way into this world, expect a little bit of a mess."

I should note that it could be that the harshness I perceived is somewhat indicative of my own conflicts with motherhood in general.

I'm working on my understanding of her, mulling over the 'feel' I get from her, and tumbling that around with the description from the text (which of course says a lot more than just the bit I've quoted here). I do think her 'haughtiness' is earned, not affected. Presiding over cycles of birth and death might engender a certain jadedness  and even a valid feeling of superiority. Her motherhood, though partially veiled, isn't actively being hidden, she just isn't making a big show of it. That's just one aspect of her, and there no need for her to flaunt it; it is what it is, and that's both good and neutral. - A hard pill for me to swallow, given my distaste for motherhood in general, but there it is.

I've reached for my mouse to publish this post, ending my written meditations on the Empress, several times. Each time, I've paused, then written some more. I keep feeling like I need to work more on this card and my understanding of it, but I'm muddling through it a bit too slowly for my hands' taste. I get antsy when I type -and think - this slowly. This card has become a wad of peanut butter in my mental mouth. I'll think on it, and come back to it later, I'm sure.

the High Priestess: 3/78 days of tarot

I like her.

She has a glean in her eye - the one I can see - and she's very inviting. She makes me want to try... something, anything. Whatever it is that she's offering. Curiosity oozes from her, infectiously. She's reading the cards, one hand on a crystal ball, and I want to know what she knows. The only way to find out, I suspect, is to try.

~

The book says this: "The High Priestess symbolizes truth and wisdom and understanding. The maddening thing about her, though, is that she represents the kind of knowing that cannot be told and refuses to be confined to the restrictions of order and language... High Priestess truths reside in the heart and soul and can only be learned via direct experience. It is the wisdom gained through an initiatory experience. It cannot be explained or studied. It is simply known."

~

I like the intuitive nature of this deck. The imagery really gives me an accurate feel for the meaning of the cards. That is making learning the cards much easier than it has been in the past, when I was looking at cards full of esoteric symbols I didn't understand. I may not be catching much of the symbolism in these cards, but their intent gets across nonetheless.

Well played, Aly Fell.

the Magician: 2/78 days of tarot

He's a bit sinister-looking, this guy, with his little pointy goatee and his cloak covering his body; his small dark eyes and one foot leading from his defensive posture add to the impression. But there's skill in that stance, and confidence that doesn't come from smoke and mirrors alone. I'm not sure that he's above such tricks, but I do believe he has worked very hard to perfect his capabilities - whatever those are. He is card number I of the first twenty-two, which range from 0 to XXI.

He feels much more distant to me than the Fool did - maybe that says something about me. I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe it speaks to the difficulty I've had concentrating on my schoolwork this semester. Also, not surprising.

~

The book says this: "The Magician is a master of magic. He has learned to sense the energy of the universe and has become adept at directing it. These skills allow him to accomplish nearly impossible tasks in a way that appears effortless. Don't be fooled, though. He acquired those skills through discipline and practice. The accomplishments are more than the results of mere hard work. They contain an unidentifiable something... That energy lifts the work from the merely perfect to the divine."

So skills, and the work to perfect those skills, are important and can be used to make 'magic' - the sum is more than the parts, when the work has been done beforehand and applied appropriately.

~

I've been looking at him for, what, three days now? I think it's time to set him back into the deck, and move on to the next. His time for me will come.

tarot, and the 78 days project: 1/78

I've been thinking about how to introduce my new tarot deck - when it gets here - to my existing oracle deck. I don't want there to be any tension between the two.

I don't think of my oracle deck as being so petty; I do think of myself potentially having some internal concerns over becoming unbalanced in my connections to the two decks (my existing connection with my oracle cards, and the connection I hope to develop with my new tarot cards).

I ordered this deck, by the way. It should be here today.

While looking for that picture, I found this review. I'm glad I read it - I feel like I have a better grasp on what I'm going to use this deck for. Of course that could change when it actually gets here, but at least I have a stronger starting point now.

The differences in the purposes of the decks (determined largely by their respective 'personalities') will guide me in their use. My oracle cards almost always speak more to the hidden aspects of the querent's personality  (or sometimes, not-so-hidden) which are relevant to the question, thus guiding almost entire from the inside of the person's psyche in a way which seeks balance in all things. I get the impression the incoming tarot deck might be less subtle.

~
UPS can't get here soon enough!
~

Going back to my original concerns - introducing the new deck to the old deck - I think I'd like to do a little rephrasing. I'm no longer so concerned with potential tension between the two decks. I think that was probably some pretty intense projection on my part. However, each new strongly energetic item that enters my home must figure out - or be taught - to live harmoniously with the other energies of my home. Discontent is not tolerable. But... I don't know whether this deck will show up full of its own energy, or void, waiting to be developed. My oracle deck had its own, but it was distant or perhaps immature. That might also have been merely emblematic of our lack of connection, which had yet to be built.

So, we'll see when it gets here, and take it from there because I'm unable to draw conclusions without more information.

~

What brought this on:

I've been eyeballing the steampunk tarot deck for quite some time, and I'm not entirely sure why.

I love the aesthetic of the steampunk style - which was what first drew my eye to the genre - and as I learn more about the ideas inherent in the style, I've become enamored of the entirety. I've never had the money to get involved, though. Having a child does terrible things to budgets of time, money, and energy.

I have been growing more curious about learning tarot. Always before, tarot has been somewhat intimidating to me. There are so many cards, and layers of meaning which vary by the type of card (major arcana, minor... etc) - it just seemed like a lot. That's changed, gradually, since I've been thinking about how I read the cards. I'm finding the idea of learning tarot less intimidating, and more approachable. But I still didn't have a deck, and as much as I liked the steampunk deck's aesthetic, I still didn't buy it.

I've been shopping around, testing the feel of many decks in my mind. None felt right. They felt alien, and I didn't know if that were just the unfamiliarity, or if it was a sign of incompatibility. And, though perhaps this is a sign of superficiality, I wanted a deck that was different. None of the themes I was seeing really spoke to me. Of course I've heard the 'accepted wisdom' that every tarot reader should have - or begin, even - with one of the traditional decks. Accepted wisdom doesn't interest me much. I kept coming back to the steampunk deck. I felt drawn to it, despite never really being involved in the steampunk scene.

Yesterday, I read a post on the Dusken Path about her plan to blog through 78 days of tarot. I guess that was all the kick I really needed. I bought the deck. It's on its way.

I'm excited.

~
The Steampunk Tarot deck just arrived! Skimming through the accompanying book, I saw "Tarot reflects our current struggles and concerns as a culture." I was wrong. As I flipped back to the page where I thought I saw that, I discovered the actual text: "Steampunk, and any genre or subculture, reflects our current struggles and concerns as a culture." Hmmmm... thanks for the tip, Freud. That little discovery led to this little epiphany: a deck should reflect a certain outlook on the world of the reader which is useful or relevant to that reader. Steampunk, in my eyes, is a microcosmic representation of the anticipation we all have for better things to come, and the hope that we won't lose the best parts of our histories. This deck, at first feel, captures that energy. It's a very happy deck. In hindsight, I realize I was a bit worried it might be somewhat dark, and thus not be a good companion for me. I'm quite happy with the outcome.

I'll keep this new deck by my side for the first few weeks, as I did (and sometimes continue to do) with my oracle deck. I find that this practice helps with the 'getting to know you' phase of new divination tools.

As I believe is common, the first card I saw - before I even removed the cellophane wrapper - was The Fool. He's a youth with a small white dog, reminiscent of Tin-Tin, but that he's carrying a chimney sweep's tool and standing on a roof. He gives the feel of ease and simplicity in life, and the happiness which can come alongside those qualities. Did I not know how difficult a life with no things can be, I would envy him greatly. Except, that this deck does not evoke so unhappy an emotion. There's a certain delicate wisdom which is lost along with our innocence; this Fool retains that wisdom, evokes it. I don't think that's something to be sad about.