Hela Half-Rotted, Lady of Death, Seer of Truth
She has been working on me for a long time, without my knowledge. Whether my ignorance was for the better or worse, I'm sure it was necessary. Regardless, I've come to recognize her over the past several months, and am gradually becoming her devotee as I realize just how deeply my life is connected to her.
Early in my life, I experienced something that warped my spirit, "killing" my soul as it existed and eliminating my opportunity for innocence. For much of my life, I have been half-rotted. I knew, and I didn't know. I knew I was "slightly neurotic" - I feared being alone, I had a love-hate relationship with sex (I tended to seek out sex which was more emotionally painful, masochistically), and I felt very much detached from my body in ways that seemed abnormal, even to me, though I didn't know how to change them. I was the only adult I knew who had to have a light on to sleep - and the closet door closed. I had, to put it succinctly, abandonment issues. Well, have.
My tattoos are, in a sense, a way for me to connect the important moments of my life with my body, to integrate my body with my soul. They are a way to feel the catharsis that connected me to my body that is my own, and my own in a healthy way. I don't need anyone else's participation - in a spiritual sense, even the tattooer is a facilitator, not a participant in my internal experience of the tattoo.
I had ups and downs with all these issues, predictably, but the lowest point was 2011. Pretty much the entire year. Behaviorally, the lowest point was that summer. Emotionally, I hit rock bottom on the 26th of December. (Yes, there was a specific event. No, I'm not going to go into that right now. This post is hard enough to write as it is.) I had heard of Hela at some point earlier in 2011, and was vaguely intrigued, but her lessons just didn't seem to apply to me (yeah, right). In November I started to see the connections. I started to see how my fears were twisting my reality. By the end of the year, I was experiencing a new type of soul-death: the kind that opened the doors which had always been there, hiding in the chained recesses of my heart. The kind of doors which, once opened, showed me myself.
'Truth shall set you free,' indeed.
The months since have been hard, but less hard than living the way I had been living, by far. I can honestly say that I am happier now than I have been since I was, perhaps, four years old. Maybe, this is the happiest I've ever been. Equally honestly, I could not have made it to this spiritual place without having gone through what I did.
I see the hand of Hela in my experience, an experience that saved my life.
In gratitude, I'm paying attention now. I feel her influence when I look at myself critically - not creating faults, nor shying away from those elements which I fear or dislike, but allowing myself to simply see truly who I am. With clear sight, I can accept what is good and change what is not. (Or at least I can work toward changing that which isn't good. Behaviors are easy to change; the fears which once caused those behaviors take a bit longer, I'm finding.)
I am learning to look at my half-rotted side as a lesson learned, something that is, but not something that defines me as a whole or that shapes my future.
~
This site has been of great value to me in my search for information about Hela.
~
Incidently, the "bones" nickname came a few years ago, and really gained momentum as a direct result of Archer's awesomeness. I didn't connect it with Hela until very recently. That's a different story.
She has been working on me for a long time, without my knowledge. Whether my ignorance was for the better or worse, I'm sure it was necessary. Regardless, I've come to recognize her over the past several months, and am gradually becoming her devotee as I realize just how deeply my life is connected to her.
Early in my life, I experienced something that warped my spirit, "killing" my soul as it existed and eliminating my opportunity for innocence. For much of my life, I have been half-rotted. I knew, and I didn't know. I knew I was "slightly neurotic" - I feared being alone, I had a love-hate relationship with sex (I tended to seek out sex which was more emotionally painful, masochistically), and I felt very much detached from my body in ways that seemed abnormal, even to me, though I didn't know how to change them. I was the only adult I knew who had to have a light on to sleep - and the closet door closed. I had, to put it succinctly, abandonment issues. Well, have.
My tattoos are, in a sense, a way for me to connect the important moments of my life with my body, to integrate my body with my soul. They are a way to feel the catharsis that connected me to my body that is my own, and my own in a healthy way. I don't need anyone else's participation - in a spiritual sense, even the tattooer is a facilitator, not a participant in my internal experience of the tattoo.
I had ups and downs with all these issues, predictably, but the lowest point was 2011. Pretty much the entire year. Behaviorally, the lowest point was that summer. Emotionally, I hit rock bottom on the 26th of December. (Yes, there was a specific event. No, I'm not going to go into that right now. This post is hard enough to write as it is.) I had heard of Hela at some point earlier in 2011, and was vaguely intrigued, but her lessons just didn't seem to apply to me (yeah, right). In November I started to see the connections. I started to see how my fears were twisting my reality. By the end of the year, I was experiencing a new type of soul-death: the kind that opened the doors which had always been there, hiding in the chained recesses of my heart. The kind of doors which, once opened, showed me myself.
'Truth shall set you free,' indeed.
The months since have been hard, but less hard than living the way I had been living, by far. I can honestly say that I am happier now than I have been since I was, perhaps, four years old. Maybe, this is the happiest I've ever been. Equally honestly, I could not have made it to this spiritual place without having gone through what I did.
I see the hand of Hela in my experience, an experience that saved my life.
In gratitude, I'm paying attention now. I feel her influence when I look at myself critically - not creating faults, nor shying away from those elements which I fear or dislike, but allowing myself to simply see truly who I am. With clear sight, I can accept what is good and change what is not. (Or at least I can work toward changing that which isn't good. Behaviors are easy to change; the fears which once caused those behaviors take a bit longer, I'm finding.)
I am learning to look at my half-rotted side as a lesson learned, something that is, but not something that defines me as a whole or that shapes my future.
~
This site has been of great value to me in my search for information about Hela.
~
Incidently, the "bones" nickname came a few years ago, and really gained momentum as a direct result of Archer's awesomeness. I didn't connect it with Hela until very recently. That's a different story.
~
This post was inspired by Hela, the Pagan Blog Project, and the letter H.
Such a powerful and moving post. First, you are an amazing human being. Second, you are an amazing writer!
ReplyDeleteI left a short response on the "something happened" link at the opening of this post.
The Universe/Gods/Spirits definitely DO work mysteriously within our lives and I have found, in my (almost) 45 years, there IS a reason. In 2010 I lost everything - literally had to leave or give away 98% of everything I owned when I was evicted with no auto, no income, nowhere to go with 24 hours to vacate. For the third time in my life, I was homeless. Even my youngest child (still at home) had to stay with some of my friends here and there and then with his abusive father he hadn't seen in over a decade when I fled for my life back then.
Long story short, just before this culminated, I drew a Tarot reading for myself. The message was that I would lose everything and be completely LOST and empty...but, when things began to come together again, I would find security and stability I couldn't fathom. I attempted suicide in Dec of 2010 (and obviously failed). I was married in November of 2011 and own my own house again for the first time in about 20 years. My marriage might not "make it" - who knows, but from within I am stronger, more experienced, improving upon myself. I am a survivor (in many ways) and SO ARE YOU! I see a strong person when I read your entries.
Blessings and hugs to you. My apologies for the length of this reply.
Absolutely brilliant. Thank you for sharing your experiences with Hela and for sharing yourself.
ReplyDeleteI too am a devotee and shaman of Lady Hela. Welcome to the family. :) She isnt an easy mistress to follow but her lessons help keep us alive in the end.
ReplyDelete