homecoming

From Rwanda, back to real life? 


What does that even mean?
It felt so surreal leaving home, and now it feels like I'm leaving home, but going back to my family. I wish I could stay, and bring my family here with me.
This place has its own happiness, its own peace, its own reality. Being here, we were "disconnected" by the rarity of internet, smart phones, and first-world amenities, but I have never felt so connected to life. This place made me want to do more. It made me want to move my body and my mind in new directions every morning. I woke up early because I didn't want to be asleep. Always, sleep has been preferable to wakefulness. Sleep has been coveted. Here, it was an unfortunate necessity. I want to go places. I want to come back to this state, wherever I can find it.

[the above was written in the airport in Kigali, Rwanda]

~


She's not weak, she's just fragile.


I'm no good at coming home.

I'm distant, cold. Prone to spending time alone, when my family and loved ones want to see me, to spend time with me.

It's my defense, when my self-control is thin, but I have never told them that. I'd like to. I'd like to know how to be understood.

Coming home is not exciting for me. Coming home hurts.
I'm so very fragile in that time, those days or weeks following my arrival. I don't know why.

I might not have made it this time, if it weren't for Archer's stoic support.

~

But, I'm happy to be back to blogging. Really. I didn't write (for myself) for the first week or so of my stay in Rwanda. Too much going on, not enough time, then no electricity for the laptop once we started camping. I did write some journal entries as part of the class assignment - which I will post, later - but I wasn't writing for myself. I wasn't blogging. And, I realized (after an incident, which I'll describe later) that I need to do this. It helps me retain control of my mind. So really, I'm happy to be blogging again.

After that incident, I began blogging again. I just wasn't able to post anything because of the general lack of internet access there. Now that I'm home, I want to post those entries. However, I'm not going to bog down my page with a month's worth of blog posts in one day. So I'll post them gradually. You'll see, if you're following me. It'll make sense. I think. There will be pictures. And videos of gorillas. Promise.

~

I'm almost out of energy for today.