attractive

I'm been feeling distinctly unattractive lately. It's not unreasonable, because I'm overweight right now. I've only been struggling with my weight for the past few years. It's not an accustomed feeling. At first, it wasn't so bad. I still felt pretty, I was just wearing a bigger size. Now, at five pounds over the weight I was when I was nine months pregnant with my son, I feel yucky. Most of my clothes don't fit - even my "fat" clothes - and I refuse, refuse, to buy bigger clothes again.

Last night, in a fit of insomnia, I laid in bed reading - because that's what I do when I can't sleep - I had the sudden feeling of detachment from my body. Not like an astral projection or anything like that. More like, "this isn't my body - this isn't who I'm supposed to be." It was somewhere around 2 am, and I literally had to tamp down on an urge to jump out of bed and go running out the door. I wanted to go hiking or on a bike ride, anything to feel like I was actively fighting the poor state of fitness I'm in, and I wanted to do it immediately. I didn't go. I went back to my book, trying to ignore the feeling. Eventually I went to sleep. That was sometimes after 3 am.

I want to be healthy again.
I want to feel attractive.
I want to fit in my damn clothes.