scary stuff

I have to write about this. Because I have to talk about it. It's bothering me. Not in a "please help me fix this" way, because it can't be fixed. It can only be lived through. It's a lesson waiting to be learned. But I see it coming, and I want someone to talk to about it, someone for whom I don't have to pretend everything's ok and I'm not scared. Because I am scared.

I'm having a hysterectomy early next month. (It's ok if you want to skip the rest of this post. I'll understand. You're not a captive audience, after all, and girly-bits discussions aren't for everyone.)

It's a partial hysterectomy - they're leaving my ovaries in, only removing my uterus and cervix. I'm happy that my uterus will be gone. It's a relieving thought. I'm disconcerted that my cervix will also be gone. Maybe it's silly. Maybe it's just because I didn't anticipate the implications of how, exactly, this will all work out. I had wondered, of course, but I just didn't know. So I asked, and the answer seemed completely rational, even obvious.

In order to make the whole surgery less risky and to reduce my recovery time, the doctor wants to do a vaginal hysterectomy - meaning they remove the uterus through the vagina, thus avoiding an abdominal incision. I agree, that's the best way to do it. I don't really need any more abdominal scars, thanks. I hadn't realized before that in order for them to do a vaginal hysterectomy, they have to remove the cervix along with the uterus. I'm still not sure precisely why that is. Anyway, they'll close up the end of my vagina, where my cervix will no longer be, making me fractionally shallower, and - as the doctor phrased it - "a blind alley." So I'll be a cul-de-sac instead of... a freeway? At least she didn't call it a "dead end." Hmm. Well, that will be different. I'm wondering how that will change having sex. You know? Because I think it will. But I'm not sure. So that worries me.

I've wanted a hysterectomy since I figured out I had a uterus, and they could be removed. Not that this is an optional surgery. I need to have this done, because leaving it in means living with chronic pain. I'm happy that, finally, my body, mind, and doctors are in agreement. The uterus has to go. It's still scary. Thanks for listening.